Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Moors and Christians

Start one cup brown rice cooking according to pkg instruction. Meanwhile, in a skillet, saute 4 cloves crushed garlic, one small chopped onion, a pinch of crushed red pepper, a dash or two of cayanne pepper until the onions are soft. Add one cup peas or chopped green pepper, 2 medium chopped tomatoes, and one can (2 cups) cooked black beans. Add to the rice and cook together until rice is done and liquid is absorbed. Salt and pepper to taste and serve with biscuits and a green salad.

To be totally un PC, we joked at dinner that this should be called Moors, Christians, Indians and Aliens! (think the colors in the dish)
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I started thinking of the boy's article I posted yesterday. I think boys are like an indicator species. The canary in the coal mine, or the liverwort plant in the woods, are the first in the environment to succumb to toxins, or changes in pH or temperature. Since boys are falling behind in school, I think we need to start looking at the environment for answers. Some people think that making the schoolroom more boy friendly is the answer. It may help, certainly, but I think it is a band-aid. Many schools 100 years ago used the sit down and be quiet model and boys excelled. So what has changed? I think we need to look at the greater world.

In this age of "Girl power," where we (quite rightly) encourage girls to be whatever they wish, what have we told boys? Do we encourage boys to be whatever they want? Nurses, teachers, fathers? No, we still encourage them to be traditional males, no pink, no soft careers, no thinking of their own happiness before their careers. Traditional males. A traditional male once was a leader, strong, protective, independant with integrity and character.

But how do we now view traditional males? When you look at the messages boys are getting, it is quit obvious that we do not think very highly of them. Just spend a few minutes watching commercials, or movie titles, or sitcoms. It is obvious that men are feckless dolts who are barely tolerated by their scowling, imperious wives. Or they are evil perpetrators of crimes. Obviously there are exceptions, but by and large if you count the images of men, the negative far out numbers the good.

We criminalize manhood by domestic violence and sexual assault campaigns targetting at boys and men when most studies done by independant agencies show both to be perpetrated by men AND women. A recent survey came out that showed more high school boys have been victims of dating violence than girls. Yet the educational material is still using the male/bad, female/victim model. Boys are told they are a threat no matter what they do or don't do. They are inherantly bad based on their gender.

Marriage is a huge gamble for men. Is it any wonder why men are avoiding it? Who wants to take the 50/50 chance that you will divorce-of that an 80% chance it will be your wife leaving you and keeping the kids. Who wants to take the chance that you will be relegated to a visitor in your child's life?

Also look at the workplace, which has become increasingly hostile to men. Sexual harrassment claims, once needed to protect women, are now used to ruin people's careers with little or no proof. It is no longer about common courtesy, but about absolute control of the work place by a few easily offended individuals.

Add all this and more, and what motivates a young boy to excel? Not competition in the classroom, not goals of working, not goals of marraige and children, not goals of being respected in society. Is it any wonder that boys are retreating into the video world? Their environment has become hostile, and like any indicator species, they are exibiting the signs of reation to that poisonous environment. Until we address the underlying motivators and conditions which are causing the problems, band-aiding them in schools is not going to help.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Marriage is a huge gamble for men. Is it any wonder why men are avoiding it? Who wants to take the 50/50 chance that you will divorce-of that an 80% chance it will be your wife leaving you and keeping the kids. Who wants to take the chance that you will be relegated to a visitor in your child's life?"

LOL. That reminds me of a conversation over at Trish's. Amanda was going off about how she wasn't going to give men any power over her by having kids (probably a good thing for all concerned) and I pointed out how some smart men (some of whom I know personally) were starting to avoid marrying and having kids in order to keep women from having power over THEM. And I was as much as called a liar and informed that such men don't exist.

I mean, I think it would take some pretty stiff blinders not to see that the average guy has a lot to lose by risking marriage. It's not something most guys would discuss in depth--to most people they probably just say it's not for them or they don't want kids or whatever. But you dig a little deeper and it all comes out--the fear of divorce, probably a family history of divorce, often seeing friends get screwed in divorce and so on.

My husband wanted very much to marry me and start a family, but even he knows perfectly well that men risk a lot more by getting married than women do. Fortunately he felt we were worth the risk (and he knows I don't believe in divorce except for serious abuse or adultery).

And someone (naming no names, LOL) thinks men just want to be playboys and never get married! Maybe for the first time in modern history that is starting to be true. But I'm inclined to ask why.

Anne

Jen Kuhn said...

Yeah I know. Women do have every out today, as many would say they should for safety's sake (in cases of real abuse I agree) but men are put at a huge risk because of it.

There has to be a middle ground. Where in cases of real abuse (where you would have lots of proof if you tried) either partner could bail with the kids, but in all other cases it would be harder to divorce and impossible to rip the kids out of the other parents lives.

In my opinion marriage should be very hard to get out of for frivolous reasons like "I'm not fulfilled." If you didn't intend to make it work, why did you get married in the first place? It was 'until death do you part', not 'until boredom do you part.'
The fact is no one can make another person happy. You have to make yourself happy, and then you enjoy it with your partner.

The irony here is this is starting to backfire on women. Men are finding sympathetic judges occasionally and playing the same games. Open that door and it goes both ways. Also, the more outrageous women become in their false allegations, the less they are going to be believed, which puts women and children who truly are abused at risk. Women and children are safer if proof is required from both sexes. Of course then we have to addess abused men, but that is another conversation.

As for the playboy thing, I too notice that many men are reluctant to settle down. I can't blame them either. I have a brother and cousin in law who are still both single and at least my brother in law is avoiding even dating in part because of all this. He is a phenominal guy, and someone is missing out because of the new social politics. I cannot blame him for not being comfortable putting it all on the line.

I cringe every time I go to a wedding. I just see the invisable gun to the grooms head the rest of his life, and it is hard for me to be happy for them.

So no one at Trish's would admit that they had indeed made strides to make it easier for women to divorce? And that hasn't impacted men's ideas of marriage?Interesting, talk about head in the sand! I too agree that it is best if Amanda, or anyone that radical on any side, do not have kids. Pretty bad that they call you a liar! Geez, with friends like that...;-)

Anonymous said...

"It was 'until death do you part', not 'until boredom do you part.'
The fact is no one can make another person happy. You have to make yourself happy, and then you enjoy it with your partner."

Oh, yeah. I put it to my husband this way once (and I'm not sure he agreed with me--LOL). The entire meaning of the marriage vow itself is this: "I promise that, for the rest of my life, I'm going to still be here even when I don't want to be here anymore." I mean, that's it. Otherwise what you have is legally-recognized cohabitation. People who are in love stay together, they don't need the vow. The vow is there for when the love fails. I can't imagine why people who don't see that bother to make the vow at all.

"Also, the more outrageous women become in their false allegations, the less they are going to be believed, which puts women and children who truly are abused at risk."

That's why I absolutely see red every time I hear about that reprehensible Bridget Marks. Not only did she psychologically abuse her kids and unjustly put Aylsworth in danger of prison, but she contributed to the problem of women who really do have bona fide complaints that aren't being taken seriously. You know, I may be going out into left field here, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if the whole intent behind that "Breaking the Silence" documentary was to undo some of the damage that the Marks incident did to the image of mothers who allege abuse. Because her story was all over the media, and it got a lot of people to thinking about the problem of false abuse accusations.

"So no one at Trish's would admit that they had indeed made strides to make it easier for women to divorce? And that hasn't impacted men's ideas of marriage?Interesting, talk about head in the sand! I too agree that it is best if Amanda, or anyone that radical on any side, do not have kids. Pretty bad that they call you a liar! Geez, with friends like that...;-)"

Unfortunately Trish didn't comment in that thread--she was on some kind of hiatus at the time--but Amanda evidently sees our entire society and all its institutions as permeated by patriarchy and oppression of women. So if marriage is an integral part of our society, then it must be oppressive of women and a form of male privilege, so it can't disadvantage men very much and even if it does, it's relatively unimportant compared with women's issues.

And interestingly, it was "you know who" who told me that those men who are trying to avoid female control over their lives don't exist. It seems to make her happier to just think men are sex-obsesssed pigs.

Anne